I am Three Years in Office, Please Celebrate Me

The 29th of May is commemorated as Democracy Day and is also the day on which president Muhammadu Buhari is celebrating his 3rd year in office. This piece of opinion is contributed and reflects the feelings of most Nigerians about the regime.

By Aliyu Smith Almusawi

I was elected by overwhelming numbers of people, I was sworn in with surrealistic optimisms that I could turn things around, I was venerated all over the world for my anti corruption stand, but three years on, my achievements are just a shadow of my rhetorics. Please celebrate me.

I promised, upon ascending the mantle of leadership, to stump out corruption with iron fists, I have been successful in recovering some loots, but 25% of the jackpot was frittered away in frivolous projects that add no values to the poor and disadvantaged. I have budgeted billions to equip my Villa with medical equipments when my doctors are based in UK. I promised not to run my government with looters, but backed out months later and assigned some of the most notorious looters to my cabinet. I hunt down my antagonists who worked against me and I spare my allies, who worked for my success, from corruption charges. I have achieved a lot in my war against corruption though I have been unable to make any tangible impact on my people, so celebrate me.

I promised to defeat Boko Haram by December 2015, but in 2018 Boko Haram continue to wreak havoc on hapless villages who hardly eke out a living to keep their bodies and souls together. It is true my military campaign against terror has yielded some results, but I have been unable to cure the causative cause of terrorism. I watched as bearded clerics surreptitiously inspire and incubate fanatics through hate preaching and whatnot. I have almost eradicated Boko Haram, but my recklessness has led to the proliferation of wars into various fronts: Boko Haram in the Northeast, Fulani terrorists in Middle Belt, Shia massacre in the Northwest, Biafra agitation in Southeast, herdsmen attacks in the Middle Belt, kidnapping and armed robbery in Zamfara and Kaduna. I don’t have security in my country but I have the temerity to attend Syria Peace Conference and lash out at North Korea for its missile test. Please celebrate me.

I said the era impunity and human right violations are over, but I deployed my army to massacre more than one thousand Shias for blocking a road. I laid siege to their residences, graveyards, and mosque during which I burnt them alive, set fire to them and rape their women. I said nobody would be allowed to pose danger to our national security but my fellow Fulani ethnic group ambush and kill villagers with impunity and I did nothing to book them until when the outcry reached an apogee. My army are famous for killing civilians but they are the most unmotivated army on earth when it comes to engaging militants. Recently, my armed forces are hailed for raping, exploiting and even killing starving refugees in Borno. I have achieved a lot in security that’s why I want you to celebrate me.

I accused my predecessor of hiking oil price by 10 naira, I even excoriated him for trying to remove oil subsidy but with my economic policies tilting towards relying on the West, I have no choice but to declare war on my people. So, I did worse than Jonathan when I removed the oil subsidy. I took charge when my currency was equivalent to 150 to a dollar but it has now depreciated to over 350. I strangulate my people financially leaving them with no hope in sight and the worst part of my economic policy is I still insist that what did not work out in 1984 would actually work out in this century. Despite my abysmal failure in everything, I still have something to celebrate, so celebrate me.

I promised to revamp the economy and create a million jobs every year, but my toothpick is made in China, my shoes are made in Italy, my weapons and ammunitions are imported from the US, my phones are manufactured in Hungary and China, my rice is imported from Thailand and Vietnam. I can produce everything but I import anything. My economic polices cost hundreds of thousands of direct and indirect jobs each year, making lives so difficult that my people resort to petty crimes and pilfering just survive. I am a democrat, so celebrate me.

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